As I ponder the memories and wonder why today I suddenly miss him terribly. I was okay yesterday and the day before and last week. And even last month.
It’s amazing how you can meet someone and instantly allow yourself to feel drawn to them. After all, I believe it’s a choice. I believe we choose who we want to be drawn to because of our various preferences. Though alot of us like to believe it’s all unexplainable and really “just happens”. I really believe we choose to love and don’t just fall. Falling claims we had absolutely nothing to do with it. And, again, it’s something that “just happened”.
Over time I have realised that I had chosen to love for various reasons known or unknown to me. As much as I could brush off unwanted attention, I surely was in control of wanted attention. I have preferences. As we all do. Some I believe are subconscious.
I would have called myself “in love” about 2 months ago. With someone I got to know 5 months before and met just over a month before that. It all happened so fast. Because I allowed it. I let him in because I chose to.
I made a few mistakes… That I have learned from.
After lessons like this before and knowing some of it, I still made the mistake…
I believe that mistakes after knowledge means something is still not fully understood.
I overlooked some things I did not agree with and I think it’s because I liked him so much. We tend to favour and overlook red flags because we like someone. We all do that. Sometime or another. And that is how we find ourselves in situations we could have otherwise prevented.
I have learned…
Expression of thoughts, ideas and beliefs with words are not enough and should never be the only thing we measure someones character on. Actions are necessary. It’s very easy to talk the talk but much different to walk the walk.
Sometimes we will be drawn to who we think people are based on what they have said. Only to find that they are not that person yet and probably will never be. That’s why we “fall for potential”. We see all the man could be. While blinded to who he is right now. Who he is right now will determine who you’ll be to him. If he still wants to fool around, you’ll probably be the one he fools around with. If he’s mature, pass fooling around, knows who he is and wants to settle down… You’ll probably be the one he does that with.
Not everyone will see your worth and that is a tough pill you will have to swallow. It hurts when someone sees you as less than what you are and treats you accordingly but you gotta know that your value does not change because of someones inability to see your worth. That’s a quote you have probably heard or read before but has to be something you truly start believing or it will always be “just another quote”.
The way someone treats you is merely a reflection of who they are, while we draw so much from the behaviour of others toward us that we base our self-worth on their actions. We ought to stop. Never measure your worth based on the behaviour of someone else. Set clear boundaries with regards to what you will allow and defend yourself. But never ever base/measure your worth according to how someone treats you.
As we are all on the journey of finding ourselves daily and learning what it means to be a woman, we will make mistakes and we will have victories. I have come to learn to take pride in who I am, a woman regardless of my failures and bad decisions. None of us come out unscathed, we all have battle scars to show. And our scars are all different, our experiences are all different but we all have the chance to change the narrative. To change our stories. To learn (all we can) and try our best to do things differently.
To be continued…